Dealing with suicide loss

I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again…

I’ll tell you how they grew, I’ll tell you the funny things they said & all the times they pretended to call you on toy phones. I’ll tell you about how they did in school, about when they learned to swim.

I’ll tell you about when I burned dinner, and when I made really awesome recipes you would have loved. I’ll tell you about how I’ve become obsessed with surrounding myself with plants ever since you left.

I’ll tell you about all the women I helped through my business, how amazing it was to see their lives change. You loved to hear about that. I’ll tell you about the date nights Chris & I have gone on. I’ll tell you about vacations & all the pictures I wanted to send you so you could tell me how “Precious” they were.

I’ll tell you about the times I picked up the phone to call you, and then quickly realized I couldn’t. I’ll tell you about how alone I felt in those moments and how much I missed you. I’ll tell you about the nights I stayed awake for fear of nightmares, and visions of you making that final decision. I’ll tell you about the days I pushed through with a smile on my face, creating amazing memories with my children in between silent visions of the blood, and watching them take you away.

I’ll tell you about the times I hesitated to reach out to women, because I felt like someone in my current state of grief & confusion may have nothing to offer them anymore in terms of inspiration or motivation. And I’ll tell you about how I pushed past that and decided to any ways, because I wonder what would have happened if someone had reached out to you that day, besides me who you always avoided when you were depressed.

I’ll tell you that I hope you’ve not been in pain anymore. And I’ll tell you that when I am in pain now, the only two things that help me through it are writing and exercising like I’m fighting in a ring against myself. The only times I can let my emotions out right now are when I am pushing myself to do the physical things I feel like I can’t do for one more minute, and in those moments I am also fighting through the emotions I am left with in place of you. And only right after that can I write out my feelings while they flood out with the tears.

And one day, I hope, that I will also tell you that I forgive you. For now, I will tell you, that the cycle stops here, and I am going to make you proud.


I published When I See You Again, Part 2 on May 23, 2018. Click here to read it.

Hi, I’m Jessica! I am wife to Chris, and mom to Kaiper, Alana and our silver lab pup, Maui. We are expecting baby #3 right now, and excited to become a family of 5! I am a freelance website & blog developer, Co-Founder of Moxie Girl Fit Club, and aspiring author. I share about everything from parenting, how to make money from home, tutorials for my fellow bloggers, fitness and being a new homeschool family. Learn more about me here.

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